Family separation creates great emotional stress. Change – even the thought of change — naturally causes conflict. The way these conflicts get resolved can affect the entire family’s adjustment for years to come.  

As a mediator, I work with people who are often upset, angry, confused and fearful about the future. Mediation provides a safe, structured place where both parties can thoughtfully review the facts, discuss concerns and – in the overwhelming majority of cases – resolve things in a way that works for everyone. Family separation issues are often difficult to navigate, and my goal is to keep both parties calm and rational so they can come to an agreement based on facts and reason.

Mediation is most often associated with parenting issues, but it is available to settle every aspect of a divorce, from child placement and custody to spousal support, retirement distribution, and real and personal property division. Mediation is a confidential process where a neutral mediator guides discussions. We work together to resolve the issues in a manner that promotes integrity, well-being and trust between all parties. 

Mediation can result in effective communication that would not be possible without the help of a mediator. 

Mediators do not represent or advocate for either party. Mediators can give information about laws and local court procedures and can talk about available resources, but we do not give legal advice. 

As a mediator, I help the parties find common ground to build upon and solutions that will work for them. Together, we try to come up with solutions to problems and roadblocks.

While I remain neutral, that is not the same thing as “passive”. Most often, my mediations have me asking questions – lots of them – to ensure I fully understand the facts, as well as the needs, interests and goals of each of the parties. The foundation of any mediation is ensuring that both parties can raise and discuss their concerns in a safe and productive environment; part of my job as mediator is to ensure the parties hear each other.

I also serve as an educator, informing the parties about common court practices while helping them to determine the wisest and fairest way to settle things. I can also help them prepare their agreement and any other documents needed to finalize their case, and help them see that they get filed with the appropriate court. 

Although mediation can take place any time during the separation process, it may be best to begin mediation before litigation creates mistrust and friction. Early mediation can save money and minimize long-term distress.

The first step in mediation is for the parties to agree to try it. I will talk to both parties to assess whether mediation can be safe and effective. I want to ensure the couple are a good fit to work on things through mediation.

Success in mediation comes when both parties negotiate in good faith and want to resolve matters. If the parties have unrealistic expectations, mediation may be frustrating for all concerned. Mediation calls for flexibility, and can produce creative results that are better fits than anything a judge could order.

Face-to-face mediations are efficient and effective, but in some cases, separate meetings (caucusing) work better. In those instances, I meet with each party separately, ask questions, and carry relevant information and proposals back and forth between the parties. Many mediations involve a combination of in-person meetings and caucuses.

While in-person meetings are usually the best way to mediate, telephone and video conference mediations are options, too.

Mediation is less formal than a court hearing or trial. I am not a judge and will not make decisions or tell you what you must do. I don’t determine facts, or decide the outcome of your case. Instead, I help you understand each other’s concerns, identify options and find solutions that are best for your family. In mediation, you speak for yourself and make your own decisions. 

During mediation sessions, I help each party to communicate what is important to him or her and to hear what is important to the other party. With my help, the parties:

• Identify the issues that need to be resolved;

• Prioritize the issues;

• Gather the information they need to make 

informed decisions;

• Discuss possible solutions;

• Come to agreement about these issues; and

• Review, revise, and prepare their agreement.

In family law matters, there is a meaningful role for attorneys, and many attorneys are happy to have their clients work with mediators to resolve most or all of the issues outside of court. Because I cannot provide legal advice when I am serving as mediator, I encourage the parties to have their own attorney review a proposed agreement before signing it. You are not required to have a lawyer, though, and many cases are mediated without lawyer involvement.

A mediator can help you identify and discuss issues that you may not have thought about before. Mediation can help you talk about what each party needs and values. This often helps to reach creative, customized outcomes that work for everyone. Mediation focuses on solutions by helping the parties negotiate a workable way forward.

Mediation can produce a solution more quickly than any trial can. Mediation can sometimes be completed in a few weeks, where the trial process could take months or years. Just as important, mediation can set the tone for your relationships going forward.

Mediation sessions are usually 90-minutes to two hours long. Each case is unique so the number of sessions needed will depend on the situation and how well the parties prepare to do the work required to reach an agreement. Everyone usually has some homework between sessions.

While no method of conflict resolution is always successful, the rates of success and satisfaction for mediation are better than for litigation. This is partly because in mediation both parties “win”, by cooperatively constructing an agreement they agree is fair and that addresses their unique circumstances. 

Mediation is a healthy alternative to the adversarial environment of the courtroom. Successful mediations allow both parties to feel heard, supported and more in control of the outcome. Mediation can result in certainty and a sense of closure that is seldom possible in a courtroom battle, where a third party makes all the decisions.

Dan Bestul is a member of the Wisconsin Association of Mediators and the Dispute Resolution Section of the State Bar of Wisconsin. He has served as a court appointed mediator and also in private mediations. He handles comprehensive family law mediations as well as issue specific mediations.